Pondering the big questions


Which is the funkiest James Brown tune?

Why do New Zealanders make such dreadful-tasting confectionary?

Why do people open shops full of foods from places like New Zealand, the UK and African countries, when it seems clear that people migrate here to get away from deplorable local cuisines?

Which is the most depressing Smiths tune?

Which is the most depressing Morrissey tune?

Which is the most correct plural for the word scrotum? Scrotums or scrota?

What proportion of men have hair growing out of their ears? Why does mother nature do this?

What proportion of men have very hairy backsides?

Can a female be a silent carrier of the hairy backside gene?

Which is the most beautiful Guerlain fragrance?

Why do so many women paint their toenails instead of trimming them?

What state of mind must a woman be in to think that long, claw-like purple toenails look good?

Why is it that whenever the power goes out and I switch on my battery-operated radio for light entertainment, the song Riders on the Storm by the Doors is playing?

Which is the most effective language in which to launch an angry tirade?

Why do so many Maori-looking women love to wear tops that show off their bra straps to great effect?

Why is it that Bollywood actors and actresses are so much more gorgeous in every way than Hollywood actors and actresses?

Why are there so many female actresses with giant, ugly, man-like jaws in popular American TV shows and movies? Do Americans harbour an unspoken desire to look at drag queens?

Why are rigid-based beds with non-spring mattresses so popular when they are absolutely useless for occasional use as a child's trampoline? Why do so many parents buy rigid-based beds for their children when they only end up with a bed with broken slats and a disgruntled child? Why do bed salesmen never talk about bounce when they are trying to sell beds? What kind of pathetic joke of a bed has no bounce?

Why do so many women who have hideous forms of abdominal obesity wear skin-tight styles of clothing regardless?

Why is the best track on a CD usually track number 6 or 8?

How do women's backsides get that big?